I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
