I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
