I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
