i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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