I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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