I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I smell like Dick and happiness
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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