i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
