Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
