Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
