My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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