Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
