I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Randomize
