If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
