I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
