I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
