I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
