hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
