listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
