Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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