i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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