You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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