You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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