Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
