Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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