It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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