I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
