i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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