i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
