Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
