I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
