sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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