Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
