so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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