I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
