Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
