wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
