so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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