Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you had me at cake vodka
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
