I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
