I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
