barbara walters just said penis...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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