he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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