operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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