I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
