now i know why i became what i already was.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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