I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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