I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
