I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
