You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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