I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just gift wrapped bread.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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