2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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