Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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