I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
